


Brave

by ylc



Series: Misunderstandings and other obstacles for love [8]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bad Parenting, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Self Confidence Issues, Trans Character, and a lot of angst, fem!Thorin, mostly family relationship stuff in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-20 06:16:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4776710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ylc/pseuds/ylc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin ponders her options and makes a decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brave

**Author's Note:**

> God, this is horrible. I really don’t know where this is going anymore. I’m super unsure about this ficlet and it’s continuation, I feel like I’m screwing up all the character development I’ve builded so far, but…  
> Well, enjoy?

Everyone knows there are 3 things Thorin never, ever discusses. Anyone with the tiniest bit of common sense knows better than to try to, because they’re likely to get a glare (at best) or a punch (at worst) for their troubles.

These unmentionable topics are as follow:

  * Her grandfather (who of course was raving mad, but what was Thorin supposed to do or say about it?)

  * Her father (who’s distant at best and violent at worst and Thorin knows better than to provoke him)

  * And her mother (who was sick since Thorin was 4 and who’s been dead for so long that it should have stopped hurting, but of course it hasn’t)




The last one particularly, is completely off limits. There are very few memories that she keeps from her mother, but each one is precious to her and she’s unwilling to share them, even with Frerin or Dís. Maybe it’s selfish and wrong, but she can’t bring herself to tell them about the woman who brought them to the world.

She remembers endless afternoons laughing and playing around the house, her mother trailing after her. She recalls being pulled into hugs and kisses, even when she felt she was too old for such displays of affection. She remembers being tucked into bed and kisses against her forehead and sweet nothings whispered against her ear when she had a bad dream.

She also remembers long days and even longer nights sitting at the bedside of a dying woman that she couldn’t believe was her mother. She recalls being angry first at Frerin and then at Dís for making her mother’s health weaken even further. She remembers being sad and resentful and yet promising she would look after her siblings. Promising to herself that she’ll make sure they never lacked anything, particularly affection, because she had known, even back then, that if she didn’t provide them with it, nobody else would.

She learned from a very young age that the only scraps of affection Thrain would be willing to give her would come when she did something that he deigned right. She’d strive to always be the best, to do as she was told, to never disappoint, because if she didn’t- if she didn’t-

That’s the main reason, she thinks, why her siblings can’t understand why she craves their father’s approval so fiercely. Because they have her and she loves them unconditionally; because she’s never been cheap with her affection and her appraisal of them, because she has tried to make up for the mother they didn’t have, the mother they never really met.

But she… She had a mother and she lost her and she still has a father but he doesn’t count and she, she-

It’s all terribly messed up and she knows it and she’s pretty unwilling to discuss it, so…

She takes a sip from her now warm beer and makes a face. She doesn’t really like beer, but it’s cheap and she doesn’t feel like spending a lot of money, especially considering she’s not sure what her monetary situation is right now.

She had considered going to the nearest pub and drink herself into oblivion, if only to keep herself from drowning into her pitiful musings. In the end however, she had decided to stay home and while she is drinking, she knows there’s no way she’ll get drunk on beer.

Besides, Frerin is probably going to arrive any minute now and demand to know what happened.

Or maybe not. Maybe Bilbo hasn’t called him and so maybe she can avoid having a _talk_ with her brother. They’re both terrible at feelings and they’ll probably just end up fighting, because Thorin just can’t be rational when discussing her father.

The thing is… when Thrain had shown up, she had known she was going back to work to Erebor no matter what. It’s a matter of gaining her father’s approval, yes, but it’s also a practical matter. It’s about the money and the connections and the job she actually loves.

She doesn’t expect anyone to understand that though.

Still, putting up with her father’s constant disrespect was taking a toll in her and she had known that sooner or later things were going to fall apart. She had hoped that eventually Thrain would-

Well, it doesn’t matter. Too late for that.

Bilbo’s words hurt, but she must admit she’s not feeling particularly heartbroken. Maybe it’s because she knows they are product of frustration and desperation and actual care; that he’s trying to help and he doesn’t know how.

Or maybe there’s a limit of heartbreak a person can cause you.

But no, that’s unfair. Bilbo loves her and she loves him and he’s just worried. As worried as everyone else, to be honest and probably with good reason, because Thorin knows how easily her father can get into her head and mess with it.

She was a wreck after he kicked her out of the house. She didn’t let it show, of course, but everyone who knew her (really knew her) would have seen it. She understands why people worry, she really does but-

She can do this. She must do this. She needs to prove herself that she’s stronger now, that what her father thinks or doesn’t think doesn’t bother her as it used to, that-

“You know you don’t actually have anything to prove, right?”

So Bilbo did call Frerin. Thorin sighs, leaning back on her seat and observes her brother with a raised eyebrow. “Did I say that outloud?”

Frerin sighs, dropping next to her on the couch. “Look, I’ve already called Dís and she’ll probably give you a better pep talk than I can ever hope to, but listen- If you’re-” he sighs again, pulling his hair in frustration. “You don’t have anything to prove. Not to us and not to yourself.”

Thorin looks away. “I’m fine” She stresses. “What happened before-”

“What happened before left you with more scars than you can possibly count, Thorin. And yes, you’re better now and I think you’re happy and have come to accept- well, everything. But it doesn't’ mean that you’re ‘over’ what father said.”

“I-”

“And that’s okay. I know you like to present yourself as this strong and super confident person, but it’s okay to have some moments of weakness. I mean, father is a real ass, but you care for him so…” he gestures vaguely. “It can’t be helped.”

“So I just- what? What am I supposed to do, Frerin?”

Her brother sighs and places an arm around her shoulders. “I can’t tell you that. But I- What I want you to understand is that forcing yourself to interact with father just to prove that you’re unaffected… that’s just going to hurt you. And it’s okay if you can’t. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t undo all the progress you’ve done or whatever crazy thing you’re thinking.”

It’s not that. Not only that. God, why is it so complicated?

Frerin pulls her closer and Thorin lets herself sink into her brother’s embrace, allowing herself to be comforted. “It’s okay, it’s okay” her brother whispers, rubbing soothing circles across her back. “You’ve got lots of people who actually love you. You don’t need him.”

Be as it may… it’s not that easy.

* * *

_Are you coming to work?_

Thorin stares at the message from her father on her phone for a while. She spent a horrible, sleepless night, trying to figure out what she wants to do. She has reached a decision, but it leaves her with a quasy feeling in her stomach that makes her want to throw up.

Still… It needs to be done. For her own sake and for the life she wants, she needs to do this.

She gets up and gets ready for the day.

* * *

“Have you come to your senses, then?”

Thorin doesn’t look up from the computer, not wanting to see her father’s self satisfied smirk. She just nods tightly, keeping her eyes trained on the document she’s revising.

“Good.” Thrain says. “I knew you would.”

Thorin doesn’t bother with an answer.

**Author's Note:**

> So, thoughts anyone? I like the beginning, I really do. The rest however… it feels like it’s a little all over the place, isn’t it? Does it makes sense to you? Because it makes sense to me because I know what’s going to happen next, but is it making sense to you, my dear readers?   
> I keep feeling I’m messing up horribly. Pretty please let me know what you thought?  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
